Ever get on a plane and fly across the world unsure of why you’re going? Like, no plans or itinerary, but somehow you end up in the window seat of an international flight half-watching the safety video while your plane takes off?

Me neither. Until last month.

Because who does that? Trips are supposed to be planned with at least a few things to check off the list while you’re there. I went to India to (naively) ride an elephant and see the Taj Mahal. Check. I went to Victoria Falls to see the world’s biggest waterfall and jump off the bridge. Check. I’ve gone to Trinidad Carnival 5 times to dance in the streets covered in feathers, and recharge from the hustle of New York. Check.

But when my spirit nudged me to start 2019 in South Africa, I didn’t understand why. I’ve checked all the boxes here. From the breathtaking scenery of Table Mountain and Stellenbosch to the historic neighborhoods in Soweto, I’ve done all of the major tourist attractions that bring people to this country.

And yet, here I am again. With nothing more than a “feeling” that brought me here. It’s first world problems at its finest, but for someone who spent years validating herself by crushing goals and accumulating accomplishments, it’s new territory that’s slightly uncomfortable.

I’m here just….being. Being myself. Being open. And actively listening for instructions for my next chapter. I wake up each morning here in the Maboneng District with a very short list of optional ways I can spend my time, and an otherwise open schedule. My Google Calendar that was once lit with vibrant color blocks of meetings, client calls, and appointments is now a blank canvas. And in this new space of openness I’ve finally realized at least one reason why I’m here.

To reconnect. Both with other people, and with myself.

For those of you wondering why a traveling social butterfly (according to Instagram) needs to connect with people, let me rewind a bit and explain what’s been happening in real life.

I’ve spent the last 4 years living out entrepreneurship dreams that I actually never had for myself. Since childhood I’ve known I didn’t want to run a business. But once the opportunity to start a small marketing agency fell into my lap (and those unemployment bills started stacking up), I gave it everything I had. And since The Culture is in love with the idea of being a boss, I had a virtual cheering squad rooting for me.

However, nobody warns you about how isolated that life can be.

Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of reasons to start your own business (especially if your heart is in your hustle,) and a lot of money to be made. But the 16-hour days often spent alone behind a laptop took a painful toll on my spirit that thrives on the energy of  human connection.  On top of the solitude, the fulfilling concepting, design work and copywriting that had once dominated my time was now lost in a sea of account management, event production, talent management, budget spreadsheets and a million other headaches that make a creative want to jump off a bridge.

Once I realized how horrible I was feeling, I began turning down opportunities and slowing down business so I could figure out my next move. But between the loss of direction and a series of painful personal valleys, I slid right down into my first bout with clinical anxiety and depression. I may write about that chapter in my journey in more detail one day, but all I’ll say now is I wouldn’t wish either on my worst enemy.

Thankfully, through every valley in life I’ve had close circle of sister-friends, and a therapist, to help me do the work of getting off the floor and putting one foot in front of the other. And this time, those steps led me back to a place that always felt like home. While I had been planning to return here long before I got stuck in that difficult tunnel last year, the light I’ve experienced at the end here in Joburg has been impeccably on time.

I have been welcomed by this community from the day I landed. I didn’t know a single person here, and yet hours after I got in I was hanging out with a crew that treated me like I was a long lost cousin who just got back. I initially thought that was just a random incident, but then it happened the next day. And the day after that. And I soon realized this is just how it is here.

In one month I’ve been to more spontaneous lunches, dinners, drinks, and kick-backs than I can count. Oh, and ladies the male/female ratio is crazy here! It’s like the opposite of Atlanta. I’m not on any dating apps yet, but you can trip and fall into a date around here without even trying (Goodbye “WYD?” Hello, “Let me take you to dinner. I’ll pick you up at 7.”)

I can’t even sit outside alone ya’ll! Someone will either come sit with me or invite me into their circle of friends to eat/drink/chat or head to whatever is next for the day. As a New Yorker of 15 years, I’ll admit was skeptical at first (like, you tryna rob me or nah? What do you really want from me? *insert NY side eye*). But I’ve softened up a bit, which is more my personality anyway, and it’s creating fresh energy that I’ve been told is visible in my photos.

With all this free time I’ve also begun the process of remembering who Tracey is and why she’s pretty awesome. With each discovery of a new person, place or experience I rediscover something in myself. Sometimes it’s a quality they observe in me. Other times it’s a renewed appreciation of interests I forgot I had. Whether I’m hollering old school R&B tunes over drinks with friends (Fun fact: I LOVE old school R&B), discussing God/The Universe/Our Ancestors and their role in our lives (another fact: I love God. He’s the best) or helping kids plant tomatoes and cucumbers in their new garden (last fact: dirt is gross and I hate cucumbers but love little kids!), each day has been a drop of fresh water in a glass that was completely empty.

Looking back, I remember writing that verbatim in my journal –  “I feel so empty.”

But that statement didn’t make sense. I have and am grateful for what I describe as a very full life. But it also didn’t make sense when something told me to turn down opportunities for new business during a financially unimpressive year. Or book a flight to Johannesburg with no new income on the horizon.

But sometimes we have to listen to the voice inside of us even if it doesn’t make sense. So here I am, in what I’ll call my intermission. Taking time to recalibrate, rest, then raise the curtain with fresh energy.

Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that even though you can physically keep performing, without intermission you’ll run out of steam and deprive the show Creator and His audience of your full potential.

While most will never have the luxury of extended time off, I encourage anyone reading this who is out of steam to find your intermission. Whether it’s a social media fast, an hour with the kids locked out of your bedroom,  a week-long vacation, or a simple day off, you’ll come back to the people around you with a fresh energy that’s good for everyone. Especially you.

As for me, I’ll be back. Literally and figuratively. See you then.

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Need tips on how to plan a trip to South Africa (or somewhere else)? Email me!
Want to hear more about what I’m doing here? Follow my Instagram stories

I’m still in a bit of shock. Like, when did I become a Humanitarian? As if there haven’t been enough plot twists on my resume. You’d think after tossing my medical career into the trash, I’d settle into this new marketing career and ride it out till retirement, right? Nope. I had to start a nonprofit organization on top of the 2 other businesses I’m running. But strangely, of everything I’ve done in my 15 year career here in New York, this feels the most rewarding. And somehow familiar? Like I’m back where I started.

Well it turns out, I am. The photo above was taken at age 20ish when I joined a medical mission trip to Jamaica. Our team of pre-med students collected over-the-counter medicines and supplies, and traveled with a team of doctors into the mountains of the Portland parish to set up a medical clinic. I’ll never forget two young girls who came to me, complaining of conflicting symptoms that didn’t make sense.

Me: “Where does it hurt?”
Them: *points to tummy*
Me: “Awwwww okay. Anywhere else?”
Them:
*Points to knee*
*pats head and stomach*
*scratches shoulder*

“What kinda Blue Mountain flu is this,” I thought to myself?

Utterly confused as to a a diagnosis, I asked our lead physician (also from Jamaica) what what wrong with them. He explained that nothing was wrong. They were making up illnesses to get medicine, so that they and their families would have it when someone actually got sick.

In that moment I became keenly aware of my privilege, and the conveniences we take for granted here in America. Sure, the entire country doesn’t suffer like this, but I saw enough cases during the course of that week to truly understand the difference between the “haves” and the “have nots.”

I eventually decided not to go to med school (RIP paycheck), but the desire to help people never left me. Which is why after 15 years in the advertising industry, a piece of me still felt unfulfilled. Luckily in 2016, my need to get away from the ad hustle landed me at a resort in Negril called Rockhouse, which has a nonprofit foundation that builds schools in the Westmoreland region. I visited the Little Bay School during my visit, saw the work they had done on the school, and fell in love all over again with volunteerism. It was a full circle moment for me, and I knew I had to find a way back to my purpose.

I founded Purpose Driven Passports to create opportunities for travelers to donate their time, money, and resources directly to schools, orphanages and programs abroad. In barely a year of existence, we raised over $10,000 for programs in Jamaica and Kenya, and 100% of those funds went to our partner organizations. We are also gearing up for our very first volunteer trip in the Fall of this year. We’re building a database of trusted and vetted organizations that people can support while they’re traveling the world, and are constantly being contacted by dope organizations to partner on meaningful work. This is a whole new world for me, and I’m learning as I go. But one thing I know to be true. If I can convince the masses to purchase deodorant, twist-out creams and cognac, I can use those same marketing skills to draw attention to people who need it most.

So at this point in my speech, as I was accepting my award, I looked down at my notecards I decided to go off script. I was about to talk about all the countries I had been to, which is definitely inspiring, but at that point I was thinking about the IAC students in the room, and what they needed to hear most. Armed with shiny new passports and memories from their 2017 Cuba trip, these 10th grade students from Brooklyn will soon enter a season of tremendous opportunity as high school graduates. The IAC program supports them with empowerment workshops, mentors and financial assistance to help them travel. My challenge to them (and to you as a reader) is to remember that travel is a privilege. The Bible says “To whom much is given, much is required.” (Or maybe my Grandma said that? Either way – #Facts) As we hit these beaches, mount these camels and post our adventures on the ‘gram #fortheculture, let’s do what we can to make it a little easier for the people beyond the gates of our resorts.

You’ll be hearing more about our initiatives in the coming weeks, and all I ask is that you spread the word! The more travelers that hear about this movement, the bigger difference we can make together. Thank you to the IAC Board for honoring my work and affirming my vision. We’re just getting started and I can’t wait to see what we can accomplish from here!

Click here to join Purpose Driven Passports and get involved

Click here to donate directly to the I Am C.U.L.T.U.R.E.D program