Ever get on a plane and fly across the world unsure of why you’re going? Like, no plans or itinerary, but somehow you end up in the window seat of an international flight half-watching the safety video while your plane takes off?
Me neither. Until last month.
Because who does that? Trips are supposed to be planned with at least a few things to check off the list while you’re there. I went to India to (naively) ride an elephant and see the Taj Mahal. Check. I went to Victoria Falls to see the world’s biggest waterfall and jump off the bridge. Check. I’ve gone to Trinidad Carnival 5 times to dance in the streets covered in feathers, and recharge from the hustle of New York. Check.
But when my spirit nudged me to start 2019 in South Africa, I didn’t understand why. I’ve checked all the boxes here. From the breathtaking scenery of Table Mountain and Stellenbosch to the historic neighborhoods in Soweto, I’ve done all of the major tourist attractions that bring people to this country.
And yet, here I am again. With nothing more than a “feeling” that brought me here. It’s first world problems at its finest, but for someone who spent years validating herself by crushing goals and accumulating accomplishments, it’s new territory that’s slightly uncomfortable.
I’m here just….being. Being myself. Being open. And actively listening for instructions for my next chapter. I wake up each morning here in the Maboneng District with a very short list of optional ways I can spend my time, and an otherwise open schedule. My Google Calendar that was once lit with vibrant color blocks of meetings, client calls, and appointments is now a blank canvas. And in this new space of openness I’ve finally realized at least one reason why I’m here.
To reconnect. Both with other people, and with myself.
For those of you wondering why a traveling social butterfly (according to Instagram) needs to connect with people, let me rewind a bit and explain what’s been happening in real life.
I’ve spent the last 4 years living out entrepreneurship dreams that I actually never had for myself. Since childhood I’ve known I didn’t want to run a business. But once the opportunity to start a small marketing agency fell into my lap (and those unemployment bills started stacking up), I gave it everything I had. And since The Culture is in love with the idea of being a boss, I had a virtual cheering squad rooting for me.
However, nobody warns you about how isolated that life can be.
Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of reasons to start your own business (especially if your heart is in your hustle,) and a lot of money to be made. But the 16-hour days often spent alone behind a laptop took a painful toll on my spirit that thrives on the energy of human connection. On top of the solitude, the fulfilling concepting, design work and copywriting that had once dominated my time was now lost in a sea of account management, event production, talent management, budget spreadsheets and a million other headaches that make a creative want to jump off a bridge.
Once I realized how horrible I was feeling, I began turning down opportunities and slowing down business so I could figure out my next move. But between the loss of direction and a series of painful personal valleys, I slid right down into my first bout with clinical anxiety and depression. I may write about that chapter in my journey in more detail one day, but all I’ll say now is I wouldn’t wish either on my worst enemy.
Thankfully, through every valley in life I’ve had close circle of sister-friends, and a therapist, to help me do the work of getting off the floor and putting one foot in front of the other. And this time, those steps led me back to a place that always felt like home. While I had been planning to return here long before I got stuck in that difficult tunnel last year, the light I’ve experienced at the end here in Joburg has been impeccably on time.
I have been welcomed by this community from the day I landed. I didn’t know a single person here, and yet hours after I got in I was hanging out with a crew that treated me like I was a long lost cousin who just got back. I initially thought that was just a random incident, but then it happened the next day. And the day after that. And I soon realized this is just how it is here.
In one month I’ve been to more spontaneous lunches, dinners, drinks, and kick-backs than I can count. Oh, and ladies the male/female ratio is crazy here! It’s like the opposite of Atlanta. I’m not on any dating apps yet, but you can trip and fall into a date around here without even trying (Goodbye “WYD?” Hello, “Let me take you to dinner. I’ll pick you up at 7.”)
I can’t even sit outside alone ya’ll! Someone will either come sit with me or invite me into their circle of friends to eat/drink/chat or head to whatever is next for the day. As a New Yorker of 15 years, I’ll admit was skeptical at first (like, you tryna rob me or nah? What do you really want from me? *insert NY side eye*). But I’ve softened up a bit, which is more my personality anyway, and it’s creating fresh energy that I’ve been told is visible in my photos.
With all this free time I’ve also begun the process of remembering who Tracey is and why she’s pretty awesome. With each discovery of a new person, place or experience I rediscover something in myself. Sometimes it’s a quality they observe in me. Other times it’s a renewed appreciation of interests I forgot I had. Whether I’m hollering old school R&B tunes over drinks with friends (Fun fact: I LOVE old school R&B), discussing God/The Universe/Our Ancestors and their role in our lives (another fact: I love God. He’s the best) or helping kids plant tomatoes and cucumbers in their new garden (last fact: dirt is gross and I hate cucumbers but love little kids!), each day has been a drop of fresh water in a glass that was completely empty.
Looking back, I remember writing that verbatim in my journal – “I feel so empty.”
But that statement didn’t make sense. I have and am grateful for what I describe as a very full life. But it also didn’t make sense when something told me to turn down opportunities for new business during a financially unimpressive year. Or book a flight to Johannesburg with no new income on the horizon.
But sometimes we have to listen to the voice inside of us even if it doesn’t make sense. So here I am, in what I’ll call my intermission. Taking time to recalibrate, rest, then raise the curtain with fresh energy.
Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that even though you can physically keep performing, without intermission you’ll run out of steam and deprive the show Creator and His audience of your full potential.
While most will never have the luxury of extended time off, I encourage anyone reading this who is out of steam to find your intermission. Whether it’s a social media fast, an hour with the kids locked out of your bedroom, a week-long vacation, or a simple day off, you’ll come back to the people around you with a fresh energy that’s good for everyone. Especially you.
As for me, I’ll be back. Literally and figuratively. See you then.
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Need tips on how to plan a trip to South Africa (or somewhere else)? Email me!
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